Cheesecake Chronicles: A Heart-to-Heart on Emotional Eating and Finding Healing - S1E1

Twenty years ago, a cheesecake became much more than a dessert to me—it was a lifeline during a storm of stress and emotions. Now, as Coach Mikki, I'm ready to share that story with you, and in doing so, shed light on the often-hidden struggle with binge eating. Through a series of candid reflections, this episode peels back the layers of emotional eating and the complex triggers that often lead us into these secretive battles. From past experiences as a martial arts instructor to the present-day quest for self-understanding, I invite you to walk alongside me in this journey of awareness and healing.

The honesty continues as I recount a day when my only solace was that same cheesecake, revealing the stark reality of how we sometimes cope with life's frustrations. But it's not just about the food; it's about the choices we face and the roads we take in dealing with our emotions. Observing others, like the woman who chose the gym over indulgence, sparks a conversation about the paths we carve out in moments of distress. This narrative isn't just a personal confession; it's an exploration into the heart of why we binge and a reminder that we're not navigating these waters alone.

As your guide, I'm committing to more than just sharing my experiences—I'm here to provide actionable advice and support. Breaking free from the control of food requires self-awareness and a willingness to chart your emotional states and choices. Together, we'll celebrate each step forward, no matter how small, and embrace the empowerment that comes from understanding our emotional triggers and setting boundaries. Join me for a heart-to-heart on overcoming binge eating, and let's take the next step toward a healthier, happier you.

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https://pixabay.com/users/sergepavkinmusic-6130722/ Thank You Serge Pavkin for the preroll!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:17

Hey, I'm coach Mickey and thank you for joining me, and if this is your first time joining me, come on in and make yourself comfortable, and if this is a time that you always stop by, thank you so much. I'm so proud of you for coming in here and joining me on this journey. Binge eating is not an easy task to get through and we never really get over it because we deal with food every single day. And If you are just joining me for the first time, I want you to know that you are not alone. Uh, binge eating is a secret society where we eat by ourselves. We eat in secret, and I am no different.

Speaker 1: 0:54

I have been a binge eater for most of my life, going through some of the situations, trauma, events, motions that have gotten me through my life, that have Led me to binge eating. I should say through my life, in my life, however, you want to look at it, either way, the emotions that are attached to food are probably similar to the ones that you're going through. Well, we all have a story. We all have a story about binge eating, and I am ashamed of this one. However, I think it is really important for me to Share this story with you because, like I said, we're a secret society. We binge alone, we hide food, we have food in places that, um, we wouldn't normally have, and such my story that I'm about to share with you was not at a dinner table with friends and family. So the past couple of months I had been a real challenge for me and I'm telling you this story.

Speaker 1: 1:56

This was about 20 years ago and I had arrived at a point in my life where I truly believe that the stress was part of my past. I wasn't gonna have to be concerned about it and I really felt as though I had dealt with a lot of the things that had transpired in my life to be able to keep me moving forward. And but, as we know, sometimes things creep up and emotions get triggered and stirred when other things are happening that we didn't even know were attached to the Exact same feelings we were feeling back when they were really strong. Well, at this point in time, I Knew something was still weighing, you know and you're gonna hear me use words that really contribute to binge eating, because really these emotions that we do have are Pretty strong, that are attached to the foods. Anyway, something was still weighing very heavy in my heart and I really felt these unsettling feelings on a regular basis and they were just getting stronger, but I really didn't have any idea of really what was going on. I thought it was just through the stress of the day and what was happening. It wasn't that I really was unhappy, but I really thought that there was something that was not fulfilling in my life and it really did bother me. But anyway, just like probably you do and everybody else on the planet does is we just keep going through the day and not even give it a second thought Because we're so consumed with what we have to do and not how we really feel?

Speaker 1: 3:17

Well, at that time I was actually working as a martial arts instructor and, by the way, I've been doing this for 25 plus some years and and I absolutely love it. But it is a very difficult job. You know you're working from 12 o'clock in the afternoon until 9 o'clock at night and if you have a very successful studio and you're working with children ages 6 up to adult, you're it's an all-day, every day being kick-punched, you know teaching them how to do control and it's it's not only taxing on your body but you're also mentally trying to keep yourself strong so you can get through through this day. If you're very lucky, you'll have another instructor in there helping you. However, my job was to go in and open up brand new studios and get them off the ground as a marketing director and then turn them over to another instructor. So I didn't have the luxury of having another instructor. I was there by myself teaching these classes. Now, good or bad, having a successful studio is what we're shooting for anyway. However, it does take a toll on your body.

Speaker 1: 4:19

So I had a very long day. It was a very full day and I was tired. I just wanted to go home and take a shower and curl up on the couch with a couple herbal tea and just be done with it. I just wanted to be done with the day and just move on. So I closed up the studio, got my car, went home like I normally do, and as I walked in the door, my husband asked me if I had stopped by the store. Well, I stopped in my tracks and thought I didn't want to stop by the store. I said I didn't even know you wanted me to stop by the store.

Speaker 1: 4:52

And the first thing that went through my head while I'm standing there and, of course, he's sitting there with his back to me, not even acknowledging me. He, I was like, why didn't you just call me? He was my text you. And I thought, well, I'm working all day. Now let's put this into perspective. One I probably should have checked my phone. I was very tired and I don't even when I did look at the phone, he had texted me just before I was about to leave and I and I, honestly, I didn't even think about it because I was figure I was on my way home. So if anybody was texting me or needed me from home, I would have been there in like five minutes anyway. So I really didn't even give it a second thought. And then I thought, well, why didn't you call me? And I looked over and I know he was working on a proposal that he had for work, because he was flying out the next day to do something for work. However, it didn't take away from the fact that I was really annoyed and angry and I thought, well, why did you just go? He was like, well, I've been working on this, I've got to get this done for tomorrow. And I thought, all right, so what do we need, and it was all the things that we needed for my son for tomorrow. He actually had something going on with school and we were out of milk and a couple other things.

Speaker 1: 6:04

Now, at this point, to be honest with you, I really didn't stop to think. Maybe I could have said no. Instead, I got my keys, threw my stuff down, grabbed my keys, took off my G-top, threw on a sweatshirt, hopped in my car and off I went. I was so annoyed and angry that while I was driving I missed the first exit to the grocery store that I'd normally go to and I thought that the heck, that I'm just gonna move on to this another grocery store, the next exit up, so I get to that grocery store in my park. Now I'm really mad and I think the frustration and the disappointment and the anger was just. I could feel it just in me like a pressure cooker.

Speaker 1: 6:49

So I get out of my car, I go over to the front of the store and I'm trying to get a grocery car. And if you've ever experienced a grocery car being stuck within another grocery car, that's even more frustrating. Now, on a normal day it would be funny and I would just be like all right, this is great, but I was at a point where this was just another thing piled on top to the way I feel. So I'm yanking and pulling on this grocery car I probably look like a mad woman doing this and all of a sudden I hear this guy go excuse me, would you like my car? And I was like thank you. When I took the car and as I walked into the store, I thought this guy probably thought it was crazy. I was seeing how angry I was. Just I look like something out of a comedy where my head is rolling back and forth and I'm shaking this car out of anger, not being able to get it to release.

Speaker 1: 7:40

As I get into the store, I go through, go over to where the fruits and vegetables are like I always do and get the things that I need for my son and start going up and down the aisles. Well, as I'm going up and down these aisles, I could start to feel my body kind of deflate. Now everything was still in my head going and the anger was subsiding a little bit, and now it was dropping down to more of disappointment and annoyance. And as I'm going and I go up and down the aisles. I'm getting what I need and I thought I'm just gonna get what I need and just get the hell out of here. I don't need to be here any longer than I need to be here. So I go home.

Speaker 1: 8:18

As I come around the corner, I just I stopped at my tracks and there it was every answer to everything I was feeling. Right in front of me bakery. So I walked up to the bakery and as I walked in there excuse me, as I walked up to it, I'm only in my time, so I've walked into bakeries, so getting my binge eating moments in order is not something I've really taken into consideration. Well, as I get up to the bakery counter and I scan, I'm scanning and scanning and I'm literally out of control. Now I'm telling you my story from my perspective, as I've dissected all of this. However, in the heat of the moment and as many of you know as binge eaters, that you are not even thinking, you are totally mindless your body is just like give me something so I don't have to feel this anymore, I don't care what it is, just find me something.

Speaker 1: 9:15

And as I'm standing there, I braise past the cheesecake and in my first thing that popped into my head was oh my gosh, don't get a cheesecake. I know how bad you felt last time, and you know. And I just kept scanning the counter when other woman had walked up behind me she said excuse me, are you in line? I said no, go ahead, I don't know what I want. Well, that was a loaded statement. So the gal behind the counter helped her and I'm still going through. Finally she left and she said what can I get for you? I immediately said I'll take that cheesecake. Now, I wasn't even thinking, I just pointed. I didn't even know what kind of cheesecake it was. All I knew was I wanted that cheesecake. So she wraps up the cheesecake, put it in my cart. Now, when I put it in my cart and she handed it to me, the first thing was going through my head was please don't ask me if I want anything else. Because I knew I didn't have the strength within me to say no. I really did Excuse me. So I took the cheesecake and I didn't put it in my cart like a normal person would put it in the car. I see, normal, really normal, I should say a non-bingeater. I put it underneath the paper towels. I hid. I literally had the cheesecake Went over to the checkout, checked out.

Speaker 1: 10:31

I had them put the cheesecake in a separate bag, not with my other groceries, but in a separate bag, went out to my car, put all my groceries in the back of my car, like I always do, threw the cheesecake on the passenger side, threw my purse on top of it, slammed the door and I was hurrying to put the grocery cart back where it belonged in front of the grocery store. Yes, I am that person that will return the grocery cart. As I'm coming back I see my car doors kind of open and the strap to my purse is hanging out. I was in such a hurry that I didn't even take into consideration that. I didn't even close the door and here was my purse hanging out in the grand open of a grocery store parking lot. Now, it was dark and still, but I didn't even think about it. I was more concerned about that cheesecake than I was my purse and my wallet. So I fixed that get in the car, start driving around the parking lot looking for a place where I can consume this cheesecake. I get around, I find a place to park, I stop at park, I open up the bag and I was, at this point, just binging and eating. I was taking handfuls of this cheesecake. It looked like just for those of you that binge and understand what it looks like when you're eating fast and out of frustration and anger or whatever trigger is going on with the binge, it's not a pretty sight. However, for me it was fix this, fix the annoyance, fix the anger, fix the frustration, fix the disappointment. And I'm just eating this cheesecake. And as I got done I kid you not, and here's my shameful experience I licked the lid of the cheesecake and the bottom part.

Speaker 1: 12:35

After I got done with that episode, I sat there for a few minutes and I don't know, maybe three, five minutes, I don't know. I lost track of time. I started to feel sick. I felt physically sick. The sugar was starting to kick in. It had gone from the pleasurable reward feeling to now I felt nauseous. But now I also felt emotionally sick and I sat there and I thought, oh what, oh my gosh, I just stared numb out the window, just staring, and I just nothing was really going through my head. I just was almost like a switch had gone off and it was just completely numbing feeling.

Speaker 1: 13:17

As I sat there, these two women had pulled up maybe about five or so parking spaces, parking aisles in front of me, and I watched them go up the stairs to the gym. Yeah, there was a gym in this shopping center that I was binging in, and as I watched them go into the gym, the one woman went in. The other woman was outside, but I saw her on her phone and as she's on her phone, she's pacing back and forth and I can see her hands flying up in the air and I thought, oh, she's pissed off about something. And then I watched her get it. She kept going and I just kind of just stared, not feeling anything, just watching. And then she went to the gym and I kind of looked around and it was almost like I know many of you say, ooh, aha, a moment.

Speaker 1: 14:07

I really it was just something I came to me that I never thought of before and I thought, wow, she was really pissed off and she was really angry. And I didn't see she didn't come out here and eat a cheesecake. No, she went to the gym and I thought, what, mick, what are you doing? What are you doing? You are, you're taking the exact same emotion that everybody feels and you're using a cheesecake as the answer and I felt I was so sick at this point I really was. So as I sat there I was like, oh, and I had. You know, I had residue of cheesecake around, so I had some wipes and stuff in my bag and I'd doff my hands and cleaned up everything and walked out of my car and threw away the container of the cheesecake.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Because what we do is binge eaters. We get rid of all the evidence, right? We don't want people to know we just sat there and consumed a full bag of potato chips or a half a dozen cupcakes and, in my case, a whole cheesecake. You know that's not a conversation that you have simply with your family or your friends and, as they're helping you, put away the groceries if you've got that luxury to have a family, they have to put away your groceries and just say, oh yeah, that container, don't worry about it. That was a cheesecake that I just consumed by myself in the car. You know that is not a conversation that we that really we want to address during that time frame when we're not ready to address the fact that we're even binge eaters. I was so frustrated Now. I was angry at myself. I was really angry with myself. I was more angry with the fact that I had allowed my anger to get to where it had forced me to binge. Now, I'm saying that word carefully, because we always have a choice and we're going to learn this along the way.

Speaker 1: 16:11

Within Binge On Life podcast, there's so many facets to binge eating, so we're really going to go through and delve into a lot of this. But in this particular story, I want to kind of break it down just a little bit, just so I can leave you with something. If anything, I want you to understand that, first of all, you're not alone within binge eating and again, like I said, we always do it in secret and you're going to hear me say that often because we don't want people to know and ever see that side of us. It's not pretty and we know that, we know. I think if we ever saw ourselves in a mirror sitting there consuming the foods that we're consuming, stifling the emotions that we're going through, you would surprise yourself. If you ever saw yourself on camera and I can only imagine how insane I must have looked at grabbing on that, you know, eating that cheesecake like I had never eaten food ever in my life and I I don't want to lay back up, I don't want to use the word and say, let's use the word out of control, because that's really what it is out of control it really has to do with. We are not controlled with what we're feeling or what we're doing or what's happening, that we just feel as though that is always the answer to use that fix of food to get us through whatever state of emotion or denial or anything else that we're going through, to be able to be the fix.

Speaker 1: 17:38

Now, as I got back in the house, or, as I just just say, when I got home, I drove up into my parking space. I thought I really just didn't feel good and I really was now feeling more regret and shame and sick. Like I said, you know, of course, all that sugar, I was numb and I slowly got out and started bringing in all the groceries and, of course, he didn't even address me. I walked straight into the kitchen and put everything away, like I usually do, and then went in and took a shower. Now, let's back up with this.

Speaker 1: 18:17

Let's take a look at this whole situation. What, what could have I done differently? First of all, I needed to stop and address the situation. My first question should have been to myself do I really need to leave for the store? Do I really need to go to everything that was needed you know, supposedly needed? Did I really have to go and get it that night? Could I have waited until tomorrow? I could have easily walked into the kitchen, made an inventory list of what I was getting and looked if they received, if there was any alternatives.

Speaker 1: 18:48

Okay, so if I didn't have any milk, did I have any bagels or eggs or anything else that I could have made for my son other than having to go get milk? Did I have any other juices? Was there anything else that could have been a substitute? That didn't really was pressing that I needed to get that night? You know all the other stuff, you know. Could we have gotten by with it? That was the first thing.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Second thing is I really should have stood my ground and thought to myself, you know, if this was really important. Yes, I understand whatever he had to take care of was important also. However, you know I had just worked a 12 hour day and it's probably longer than that because you get to the studio earlier. I really hadn't eaten and I thought, you know, you didn't even take me into consideration and this is so minor and I allowed I me personally, I allowed this to happen by not standing my ground and having boundaries and saying, no, I'll do it tomorrow and taking care of me first. So that's the other thing.

Speaker 1: 19:53

So we have to look at the situations. What leads us to binge eating? Now, a lot of you, you know, may think well, that made me bingey, and the first thing I thought when I came in the door, the first statement I thought in my head was oh my gosh, I was so angry at him he made me binge on a cheesecake. Well, he wasn't in the car with me and he wasn't sitting there opening the container shoveling in my mouth. He didn't make me do anything I did. All those actions were myself. I did it to myself.

Speaker 1: 20:29

And we have to look at so many things as binge eaters, because the reality is and I'm gonna leave you with this, because we're gonna cover a lot of this as we go forward in this podcast we have to look at what really is going on. What are the emotions, what are the triggers, what are the attachments? What leads us to binging? Why do we choose what we binge. It's not as easy as stop eating, because we can't. Every single day we have gotta face food. It has to come down to breaking this down and having the choices.

Speaker 1: 21:08

It's not an easy task. This is not an easy journey. It is taking me time. It's taking me years. I mean, keep in mind, I've been binging for close to 40 years and it's not gonna happen overnight.

Speaker 1: 21:21

But what I can tell you is that I will help you through this process. I will help you on this journey. I will help you, take you by the hand, explain to you what I know, what we can do to lead you out of this, and not use a cheesecake as the answer. I am proud to say I'm not held prisoner by a cheesecake anymore. I mean, it's taking me time and you can be there too. I promise you I will help you as much as I possibly can to help you on this journey. Until then, I love you. I am proud of you. Keep moving forward. Do one thing every day that is gonna get you closer to your goals.

Speaker 1: 22:04

If anything today to take away from this, when you start to feel like you have to grab something to stifle, that emotion I would like for you to put down the date, put down how you feel and rank it on a scale from zero to 10. For me, I was probably about an eight in that one. Write down what it is that you ate and then, if you are able to and you can really get this something to answer would be what could you have done differently? Maybe what could have helped you fulfill that emotion that you were feeling at that time? And we're gonna keep moving forward. These are gonna be little baby steps, but you will get through this, so I will until next time. I will look forward to being with you. Until then, see ya.